It's official - I am going to be reincarnated as something that doesn't go through menopause!
Just yesterday I received a knowing kind nod from a total stranger on the tramway when I pulled out my glasses to read a text -burning up in a hot flash,they completely fogged up as soon as I put them on. Note to self : must tell optician to devise temperature resistant lenses!
For me it's the hot flashes which are the killer. My whole body transforms from clear skinned to blotchy burning scarlet in a matter of seconds - human combustion can't be urban legend after all. You could fry an egg on my chest!
Clothes get peeled off at top speed only to be thrown back on again ten seconds later when the chills come on. My poor students have an air-conditioned classroom in the middle of winter - I'll be lecturing in a t-shirt (although would rather just be standing there in a muslin kaftan with no undies!!) whilst they are all shivering under their coats.
Honestly,weren't periods, pregnancy, stretch marks, breast feeding and cellulite enough from nature already! And can someone please explain WHY,with all this heat, I'm not burning off all that new extra thigh, tummy and botty fat?? Seriously with all this heat I should be stick thin instead of feeling thicker and thicker.
And there's more...
- Eye sight so shot that need arms a km long to read without glasses.
- The most simplest of vocab in my second language which just somehow escapes me.Yesterday the lost word was potato peeler..actually I couldn't remember it in English either.
- Running up the stairs and then,once there, forgetting WHY I am there
- Calling the children by the dog's name, and vice versa
- Waking all hours of the night craving poached eggs on toast and then going into mad fretting fits over things of little consequence and ending up playing Scrabble online until dawn with some stranger called Kanitra in India...and she usually wins
- Weeping over insurance ads on the tele - in fact weeping over anything
- Desperately seeking my waisteline which seems to have left the country
- Forever trolling online for tummy trimming bathing suits but never quite finding the power to hit the buy button
- Constantly repeating myself
Last week when my raging hormones woke me up at 4am, I started googling the phases of a woman's life. There are basically three official stages, maiden, mother and crone. And, according to my research, I am, without a doubt, the latter of the three. Gulp!
- Did I mention I repeat myself
I have always considered the term " crone" to be similar to such things as harridan, hag, biddy, beldam and company..In fact, I have discovered that the term " crone" is one which has been completely redefined over the last centuries. Whereas the modern term refers to a cantankerous or withered woman, the ancient term referred to a woman 45 plus who was recognised as empowered, wise and self-defined.