First toe in the waters..

My first steps onto the dating apps were pussy footing in every sense. Tentative would be an exaggeration of the the slow and apathetic effort I made to get my "profile" up on line. 

First conundrum - which sites? Clearly, I was going to have to get onto the +50s sites but which one? Disons Demain ( Let's say tomorrow) sounded far too much like death row, life insurance scamming or sugar coated oldies with more wobbly bits than bones ( or do I mean boners?). I opted for Elite - a site which made a lot of song and dance about assuring privacy and monitoring good behaviour, selecting appropriate & suitable candidates, etc. Seemed ok so far.

Then came the info for the profile which, in a nutshell, seemed like an overt online bias and discrimination scouting. 

Which religions would you accept?

Which ethnic groups will you accept?

What age would you accept? ( an open door for 70+ would be "daddyohs" to select 20 somethings and vice versa)

What height would you accept?

What level of education is your minimum requirement? ( I get that - writing and reading could be useful)

And the list goes on - a breeding ground for neo fascism and xenophobia. What are your interests seemed of far less importance and was the only place I really took care with my choices.

So I'm finally up and activated.... and that's when the fun started. 

One of the first comments I receive is from a chap who clearly fancied himself as a poet laureate, quoting indirectly from Jean de la Fontaine,

"Que vous etes jolie! Dites moi, est votre ramage bien assorti à votre plumage?" Roughly translated as, " how pretty you are, tell me, does your birdsong match your feathers?" ( yes, double yuck!) 

My first thought took me back to a rather salacious James Bond moment in the 60s where  Sean Connery asks his next Bond Girl ( ie next opportunistic shag), " Do your cuffs and collars match?"

Delete!

On the same day I receive another message from a man whose pseudonym was " good catch" - I kid you not! Before opening his message I trip over to his profile. The photos are pretty telling - 2 shots taken in the bathroom mirror, a couple in the front seat of his car, another taken sitting on his loo lounging against the wall with shirt open to navel showing off his big silver chain and chest tattoo " Pat" - Pat was my mother's name so not hugely attractive to me and in fact the first word association that sprung to mind was " cow pat." I somehow don't manage to respond.

Delete!

That evening I receive 2 messages from " Douceur"  ( sweetness ) -

Message #1 " Hi there, that smile will open doors. I see you're quite tall. Me too - you'll be able to wear your heels with me cherie"

Message #2 " Would you wear high heals for me?"

I refrain from replying.

Delete!!

Enough for today - more next week here I'll take you on my first coffee dates.Thanks for reading me. Susie xx